Since I was a little girl all I wanted to be was a mom and house wife. Unfortunately I had horrible taste in boys and men. When I was 18 and graduated from High School I ran from my life straight to the Air Force. I surely thought I would find a nice man, settle down and separate to fulfill my dream under the secure net of a career military man. Well, my choices in men resulted in 3 children (which I love and are so happy I have), 4 marriages, 3 divorces and my dreams fading away. 11 years down the road, in 2007, I married my current husband and the Air Force changes were leaving me behind (eh-hem PT eh-hem), so we decided, in 2008, it was time for me to separate and live my dreams. We suffered through one miscarriage in August 2008 and a year later in August 2009 we had a baby girl. I love being a mom to all of my girls! It seemed like a dream come true, with one annoying nightmare. I had to go to school and use my GI Bill to bring some income into our large family; we lost my income and child support for my other 3 girls all around the same time.
After all of these changes, I have realized that my time in the Air Force had changed me. I am missing something. I no longer have appreciative customers and supervisors. There is very little structure to life and I always feel like I am failing someone. The job never has an ending or a begining, unlike my job in the Air Force. I was SSgt Lewis (or Herr, or Johnson, or Love, or Herr again...lol) when I showed up to work and mom or Chris when I came home. Another thing I realized is that I feel demoted. I am no longer a respected (sometimes feared or hated) NCO in the Air Force; instead I am SSgt Lewis's spouse/wife, just his spouse nothing more nothing less (that is the tone of voice I hear). I no longer look forward to starting another day, I just can't wait for it to end when I can watch my TV shows and pretend to be somewhere else. Do I enjoy being with my family? Yes! Am I grateful for everything I have? Yes! That does not mean that I cannot feel like less of a person.
Last night I started out searching for craft ideas which led to organization for crafts which led to organizing your life. I realized then, that I had stopped organizing my house and life also. So, not only am I feeling lost, but I am also feeling out of control. Right then I decided that I need to do something about this. I told myself that I was going to start day one with FlyLady and shine my sink on Monday. Then I vowed to start organizing my house again, even if it means no one can find anything but me...lol. I still needed to find away to feel like I am doing something that matters....
So as I was milling around getting things ready for my eldest daughter's 13th Birthday Party today, I was trying to think of things or ways that might help me feel normal.
- What if I put out a comment box so everyone in my house can leave me nice little notes about how wonderful I am?
- What if I asked my family to give me an initial feedback to let me know what their expectations are of me?
- What if I asked my family to give me an EPR (evaluation) every year on my birthday that outlines the great things I did for the year prior
- What if I got ready and left the house, drove around the block and came home like I am going to work at my house?
All of these things seem crazy, right? Who does this? All I know is that I need to gain some control and perspective in my life and have some feeling of accomplishment.
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