Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future,
concentrate the mind on the present moment. –Buddha.
I have a very hard time
with living in the now and accepting life as it is. I have been reflecting on how
my life was, what I expect it to be, and the reality of it all.
In my life I did not feel I had much to be proud of until about
5 years into my military career. I always felt that I was mediocre at best and
could pretty much screw everything up. The last six years of my career was a
roller coaster of ups and downs, successes and perceived failures. I held tight
to the successes and found my internal cheerleader. Even my home life felt the
same. It may not always have been peachy, but I knew I was doing my best. I
enjoyed going to work most days and coming home. Picking my girls up from
daycare was the highlight of my day. I had structure at home and work, but
still had fun. I learned what my strengths were and had an inner light and happiness
that I had never had before. That light and happiness has been slowly fading
away, so slow that I barely noticed until now.
I thought when I graduated with my degree that life would go
back to the way it was. I would find a job that suited me. I would once again
spoil my children. I would have that awesome feeling of “coming home” to my
family. I have been telling myself, subconsciously, that I am worthless if I
did not have a job. That made me look at positions that were not right for me
or my family and that made me feel worse. I do not know why I feel this way. There are plenty of people that are jobless
on purpose. Why can’t I be? The other problem is I miss the structure of
employment. I do not have that at home so I try to create it and that does not
work so well. A home is not supposed to be a place of employment. It is a place
of warmth, love, and happiness.
I have done a lot of soul searching and I am still not okay with
being unemployed. But, now I have decided that I want to be okay with it. Not
that I am going to quit looking, but instead I am going to only apply for
positions that fit and are worthy of me. With that being said, I am now trying
to change my way of thinking.
I want to live in the moment and accept life for what it is. As
a child I wanted to be a stay at home mom, so why is it so hard for me to
embrace it when I am “living” it? Well, it is time to get busy embracing and
living! Every day I am going to take a step forward in the right direction. I
am going to take pride in my house. I am going to plan and participate in fun activities
with my children. I am going to craft to my little hearts content. I am going
to be the best Girl Scout/Soccer/Dance/Gymnastics mom I can be. I am going to
bake cookies (when it cools down). I am going to help others by supporting my
friends anyway I am able, volunteering, and joining organizations. I am going
to explore my spirituality (even if it is all by my lonesome in my house or
yard).
I have a long way to go to find that light once again. My goal
is to not focus on the past or future, but instead the present and what I can
control-my attitude.
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