PCS - The Crazies Has Hit Me, Finally!

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out. - Stephen King

I can certainly identify with that quote right now. I have a full range of emotions right now that seem so unimportant when I speak about them. They seem so petty. Especially when people point out that fact. I have been trying to make sense of my internal struggle by looking at the stages of grief, observing others, and trying to understand my own feelings about my husband leaving for a year.

I am sure everyone knows that there are five stages of loss or grief. Those same stages apply to those who are left behind when a military member deploys or gets assigned remotely. The first stage is denial and isolation. I have no idea why they put those two together because honestly I experience them separately, but what do I know (sarcastic tone). Anger emerges next, but the difference for military members is they are around to reap the fiery hell of this stage even if its only over email. Bargaining is next; which for us military families is more about "what could we have done to prepare for this more." Then comes the depression; sobbing to anyone that will listen, ignoring your friends and family. It can get really bad for some. Acceptance is the last stage and often comes toward the middle or end of the time the military member is gone.

For some reason I am sitting at the anger stage and isolation stage at the same time. Other people who are experiencing their military member leaving are really aggravating me. They are doing nothing wrong, but I guess I want to feel normal when I don't. Other folks are getting books and dolls for their kids to make it easier on them. Families are making lots and lots of plans to stay busy. Some spouses are stressing and whining about their military other half leaving. All of that is driving me batty. I validate their efforts and feelings, but I just cannot identify with them. I feel isolated and angry about it all!

It seems as though the stages of loss are swirling around like a wind storm. I swear I am not bipolar, but I sure do feel like I am. I keep bouncing around the stages like a super ball. I am certainly glad that I am aware of my feelings and can usually pull myself out of anything. As much as I want to hide in my house right now I am not. I am my own best friend keeping an eye on myself; not allowing myself to spin down to the abyss of loneliness and sadness. I am not sure how long I can keep this up, but I have to be strong. On the inside I am a hot mess, but on the outside I am a strong military wife.

I know about how this all works with the stages, witnessing others go through the same things, and being self aware. No matter how prepared, educated and open minded you are, this process is extremely stressful, emotional, and tiring. I have less than 60 days before he leaves. There are a lot of things that are up in the air, a lot of projects that will go undone, and a lot of talking, crying, yelling etc. in the coming weeks. I just have to remain strong and sane!!!