My Journey - Do I Make You Uncomfortable?

Edward Lewis: “what’s your name?” Vivian: “what do you want it to be?” – Pretty Woman

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Why would I even start a post like that?! Because, this is what most of my life reminds me of. I spent a large part of my life being what everyone else expected or wanted me to be. Of course, keeping up a charade can be difficult, so I would be rebellious every now and again. This did not go over well. Why would it? I am not behaving as expected. Pretending for so long led me to not even knowing who I am. I was a shell of a human being just going through the motions.

I have finally rediscovered who I am and dare I say “I like me.” I even like the parts of me that are shaped by adversity and make me “unhealthy” according to mental health experts. 

Dating - What's Wrong With Being Single?

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Towards the end of last year I decided to start taking dating seriously. I was fed up with not having my needs met. I started evaluating why things were not going as well as I wanted them to. I enlisted the help of a friend…well he decided he was going to keep  me from making the same mistakes I always have because he said I deserve way more than I have gotten in the past. Since then I have not had a frivolous encounter, have either cut off or friend zoned dudes that were not meeting my needs, and have not been on a date because every dude wants to “just have fun.”

Dating - Wait! Not So Fast...

www.onsizzle.com

As I navigate this online dating thing of which I am taking a bit more seriously this time around, I have noticed that standards seem to be expected to be lower in this online world than in real life. I would like to dive into this phenomenon and examine it.

Dating - Seriously!? The App Dating World is Interesting

My ex and I separated in April of 2014. I did not realize at the time how hard dating would end up being. I am not sure if it is because of my age or because times have changed so much since I was last single. I attempted this dating thing a few times since then and they were epic fails. I took some time off, first because I was exhausted and frustrated, and second because I felt like I needed a plan. That break lasted about 6 months and I am back at it again.

My Journey - Yep, My Life Is A Bit Of A Mess...Oh Well

The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is the problem. - Theodore Rubin

mmmmm....coffee is NEVER a problem!

Yep! My love of quotes is back on my blog! :) I really like that quote, not because I need it for myself, but because I have had some run-ins with people who were frustrated with my problematic life.


Where do I begin...

My Journey - A Year Later!

It has been almost one year since my last blog post. I have been on a long journey since that day and I could not bring myself to write during that time. I am ready to write again.

My last post was about me taking care of myself, specifically through physical fitness and relationships. I will talk about my fitness journey in this post because, honestly, it is just easier.

My Journey - Love Yourself, A Tough Decision

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection – Buddha

Day 1 of Couch to 5K

What a profound statement. I have always been a giver, to the point that I forget about myself. Over the years I have given to the point that I have become empty at times, and never become full. I seem to attract people in my life that are in need and are unable to give. I have confused what I now consider to be a “project” with friendship. There are people that have entered my life over the years because they needed me to help them though something, but once that has passed they are gone. Those same types of people will disappear sooner if I ever need a hand to pick me up, a shoulder to cry on, or smack in the face to set me straight.

I have also given my all to my children for the last 15 plus years. Do I regret that? Heck no! They needed me and I was there. We have been through so much together and I have gotten them through it all. The last 7 months have been the most draining (in a while). I have re-added working into the equation and temporary single parent-dome (something that I have not done since 2010). About 4 months into this exhausting period in my life, I met a person who inspired me to take care of myself. So, I decided that over the summer, I was going to do for me and who ever wanted to come along for the ride could, but I was not going to wait around.

On June 2^nd, I started lifting weights at the gym and started the Couch to 5k program. Holy cow, did I feel guilty. I had to leave Charlie at daycare later and I was rarely home with my older girls. As time has gone on, I have realized that they really do not mind. Yes, they have to help with dinner, but its okay.

I also started evaluating what friendship is and relationships in general. The last week has really helped me gain perspective on that subject. It seems as though the universe knew that I was questioning this subject and sent me all kinds of “educational material.” From a friend who fought with me over our possibly ending friendship (I guess that person really does want to be in my life) to one who straight up told me “I have problems of my own right now and don’t need anything more negative in my life” and then proceeded to tell me their woes while I silently cried on the other end. There were so many other instances that have shown me that I need to be more aware of the people in my life and what their real purpose is. Are they here to be my friend or here for me to “fix.?” I have realized I do not prefer one over the other. I just need to sort them out so I can protect my heart.

The last thing I started doing is to not wait around for people and this includes my children. I do not change my plans any more. I do not say “okay, I’ll wait 30 more minutes for you to be ready.” Do my children and the people in my life get left behind a lot more now? Yes, they sure do. I have since realized that they really do not mind because if they wanted to go they would have been ready or shown up.

I am doing what is best for me right now. It will be short lived because come August, school will start and I will once again become a slave to my children's lives. But, by then, I hope that I will be in a place in my life where I can learn to balance my needs and theirs a little bit better. I also hope that I will retain the good real friends I have that will support me and also draw stronger lines for the ones who are here only for me to save them.

Just Give a Crap!

I am one of those people who tend to be very independent. I am also one of those people who takes care of others. I know quite a few people like this and we all seem to have to the same “beef.” We seem to get forgotten about quite often. Every difficult, or even happy, situation I have gone through in my life, I feel unimportant. I know we should not compare our lives to others, but it is disheartening to watch other people be encircled by their friends, co-workers, and family during these times when I am not that fortunate. Don’t missunderstand me, I am super grateful to those few who have been there for me. I also think it is awesome that people have that kind of support; the reason I am jealous!


Being a military member or spouse makes this situation all the more difficult for a few reasons:


(1) Normally, you do not have family near you to attend those happy moments or support you during the tough ones. The active duty other half’s unit becomes your family (or not, depending on the climate). Sometimes they check in on you (like the same day of the month to fill a quota), but what someone really needs is for those little things to be noticed; maybe like that day you are trying to hide your flushed face after crying or an over-exuberant smile because you are just busting at the seams with good news.


(2) You get a new best friend and friends every time you PCS (move) or your friends PCS. Sometimes you will go months or even years without either because the fit just isn’t there. I am in that boat right now. My latest best friend for the last 2 plus years PCS’d the same month my husband went on his remote tour. My newest friend went TDY (temporary duty) two months after. Now, I am without a local friend.


I often wonder when people stopped caring about people. I hear songs that talk about –if you call me, I will drop everything and be there-. Where are those people? We are a society of “keep your nose in your own business” when we need to be aware of others in a positive way, not a negative way like calling child services on your neighbor because YOU feel they were too mean to their kid that one day. Or, sorry my life of perfect dinners and TV is WAY more important than your need for support. Maybe, we could encourage each other a little more and make the world a better place; MAYBE.

This post is dedicated to Jarred! Thank you for bugging me to write another post :)

Give of Yourself to be Happy

"I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve." - Albert Schewitzer (Philosopher, Physician, Nobel Peace Prize winner)

Time to Get Busy - Fix that Bathroom!

"If you want to make an easy job seem mighty hard, just keep putting off doing it." - Olin Miller

I have been staring at my demolished bathroom for almost a year now. The story behind this destroyed bathroom is this:

Celebrate Good Times....and choose to be happy!

Holy Cow! It is 2014 already! I am sure most folks are already making their New Years Resolutions. I am no different. My first order of business is to choose to be happy and have more fun. I have already started working on that.

Tis the season...to outrageous expectations!

"I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy. I guess I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel. I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting present and sending Christmas cards, and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed." - Charlie Brown

kenlevine.blogspot.com

DIY - I'm No Canning Genius, But I Have Some Tips

Oh how I love my canning jars. I am pretty sure they are one of my most prized possessions. I love to can and I can whenever I can. <---try to say that 10 times fast. I know I will never be able to have a pantry full enough to never go to the grocery center aisles every again (until my kids move out), but I sure do try. I am not the perfect canning woman, but I do have some lessons that I have learned over the last two years.

My Journey-Open Letter to My Friends

I am 35 and I have moved at least 25 times in my lifetime. Only about 12 of those times were during my military career. I had switched schools 15 times when I was a youth. I was in the social services system for a total of about 18 months off and on. The longest I ever lived in one house was 5 years. The shortest time I have lived in one house was 4 months. I have lived in 7 states, 3 countries, and 10+ cities. So, it would be a fair assessment that it has been difficult to make and maintain friends. I learned early on to move on with my life in every way. That does not mean that the friends I did make during all of those "stays" are not near and dear to me. Some of those friends I have reconnected with on Facebook in a surface type friendship, others I cannot find, and some I am trying to be a better friend to right now. I decided to write an open letter to all of my friends and hope that through the 'net it will reach many of them.

DIY - Slow Cooker Granola

Over the last three years I have been looking for ways to lower my electric bill. I started with hanging my clothes to dry as much as possible. Then I switched to an energy select plan that charges me different rates based on the time of day. This required us to schedule time for the hot water heater to be off and not use our dryer or oven during high rate times. The most recent challenge I have taken on is using my slow cooker and small toaster oven instead of the oven all the time.

PCS - T-minus 10 days Until I am a Single Parent, AGAIN!

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet. - Bill Cosby

As I am writing this post, I have 10 days left until my husband leaves for Korea for a year. It has been a stressful and emotional month. The kids are getting out of control and I am dreading the single parent-dome that is upon me. Not the easy single parenting where you send your kids to the other parent every other weekend and summers, but the hard single parenting where you have your children 24/7, 365 with no rest or reprieve in sight. There will be no more mom and dad, good cop and bad cop, or back up parent when I am not feeling good and don't want to go to Girl Scouts. Just me!

My Journey-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (PAILRD). I suffered a miscarriage 5 years ago and I just now found out about this. Everyone is aware of October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I am not denying the importance of this. I do wonder why a woman (me) who lost her baby and has been struggling with how to remember this important person every year, did not know about this important day.

Spice it Up!

I have decided that this week I would not write about anything thought provoking or emotional. I am honestly tired of reading my Facebook feed because it is full of depressing stuff. So lets talk about seasonal change and seasonings.

My Journey - Making Decisions

When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier. - Roy E Disney

(so I mention "Disney" and I feel the need to post random Disney photos that have nothing to do with the content of this blog :D enjoy)

PCS - The Crazies Has Hit Me, Finally!

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out. - Stephen King