You can search throughout the entire universe for someone
who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and
that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in
the entire universe deserve your love and affection – Buddha
 |
| Day 1 of Couch to 5K |
What a profound statement. I have always been a giver, to
the point that I forget about myself. Over the years I have given to the point
that I have become empty at times, and never become full. I seem to attract
people in my life that are in need and are unable to give. I have confused what
I now consider to be a “project” with friendship. There are people that have
entered my life over the years because they needed me to help them though
something, but once that has passed they are gone. Those same types of people
will disappear sooner if I ever need a hand to pick me up, a shoulder to cry
on, or smack in the face to set me straight.
I have also given my all to my children for the last 15 plus
years. Do I regret that? Heck no! They needed me and I was there. We have been
through so much together and I have gotten them through it all. The last 7
months have been the most draining (in a while). I have re-added working into
the equation and temporary single parent-dome (something that I have not done
since 2010). About 4 months into this exhausting period in my life, I met a
person who inspired me to take care of myself. So, I decided that over the
summer, I was going to do for me and who ever wanted to come along for the ride
could, but I was not going to wait around.
On June 2nd, I started lifting weights at the gym
and started the Couch to 5k program. Holy cow, did I feel guilty. I had to
leave Charlie at daycare later and I was rarely home with my older girls. As
time has gone on, I have realized that they really do not mind. Yes, they have
to help with dinner, but its okay.
I also started evaluating what friendship is and
relationships in general. The last week has really helped me gain perspective
on that subject. It seems as though the universe knew that I was questioning
this subject and sent me all kinds of “educational material.” From a friend who
fought with me over our possibly ending friendship (I guess that person really does want
to be in my life) to one who straight up told me “I have problems of my own
right now and don’t need anything more negative in my life” and then proceeded
to tell me their woes while I silently cried on the other end. There were
so many other instances that have shown me that I need to be more aware of the
people in my life and what their real purpose is. Are they here to be my friend
or here for me to “fix.?” I have realized I do not prefer one over the other. I
just need to sort them out so I can protect my heart.
The last thing I started doing is to not wait around for
people and this includes my children. I do not change my plans any more. I do
not say “okay, I’ll wait 30 more minutes for you to be ready.” Do my children
and the people in my life get left behind a lot more now? Yes, they sure do. I
have since realized that they really do not mind
because if they wanted to go they would have been ready or shown up.
I am doing what is best for me right now. It will be short lived because come August, school will start and I will once again become a slave to my children's lives. But, by then, I hope that I will be in a place in my life where I can learn to balance my needs and theirs a little bit better. I also hope that I will retain the good real friends I have that will support me and also draw stronger lines for the ones who are here only for me to save them.
