Feeling the need to control something....

...so this morning, after not being able to wear my jeans comfortably, I text-ed my husband to no longer make snack runs for me. 
     I am so frustrated trying to do right by my family and myself.  It is just as hard for me to not eat crap as it is for them.  Maybe even harder because I am the only one that seems to care about our eating habits, so I feel guilty if I eat garbage.  So, when I met up with my friend and her son we of course got to chatting about organic food and expense.  Her family is pretty much organic.  I wish I was that strong to not give into the yummy cupcakes and the corner store....mmmmmmm.   She made the comment to me that they give up a lot to eat right and that her husband even gets made fun of at work.  Then I got to thinking, well...maybe we can do this if everyone is supportive of each other. 
     I finally made it home after my taxi runs with the kids and I started going through my cabinets, taking inventory of what I had and what I needed, searched through my coupons (few of which are for organic food...darn!) and put my shopping list together.  When my husband came home, I tried to talk to him about it and like usual he just make a joke out of it. Now, I am mad and realizing how hard it is to be in charge of a household.  It is nothing like being in the military.  My requests are ignored and what can I do about it, nothing?  This is when I get into my "look, I am in charge, do what I say" mood which is not very productive in my household, so I need to come up with a better tactic.
1st - I am going to do the shopping like always and this family will get what they get
2nd - I am going to put in place Operation Everyone Eats a Healthy Breakfast (by finding crockpot breakfast recipes so my 3 early birds can eat before they leave)
3rd - I am going to keep nagging about making eating healthy a priority (does not really work, but makes me feel better)
As I was typing this my husband just walked by me with shoes on...ugh...I am always being ignored! I hate when he tracks sticker/poky things into the house, that is why we have the no shoes on the carpet rule during the fall and winter!!!  This Mom needs to find a way to get this family shipshape :D

Day 1 - My Family Thinks I Have Lost My Mind

     Yesterday I woke up with a purpose. I had something to look forward to....my experiment!  I got ready as if I had to leave by 8:30am.  I showered, got dressed, and even put a little make-up on. I also got my DD4 who is 2 dressed all ready to go. We ate breakfast and I even had time to put the dishes away and start some laundry. At 8:30am it was time to "leave for work." 
     DD4 and I went for a walk which took me about 30 minutes...amazingly this about the same amount of time that it takes for DH to get to work. I tried to get DD1, 2, and 3 to go, but they are enjoying their Thanksgiving Break too much. When I got "to work" I felt refreshed from the walk, but I had one lingering question. "What is different about "being at work" and "being at home?"  I still have not decided that, but I did tell myself that I needed to do things that are productive. I cleaned out my drink station and worked a little bit on my baking stash of junk.  I also started Day 1 with FlyLady by shining my sink.  I think that was my favorite part. It was so therapeutic. (If you want more information on FlyLady go to www dot FlyLady dot net) Later on I took my DDs out back and we checked on the family garden (I say it very expressively when I talk about it at home - FAMILY GARDEN people! not Mom's Garden!).  I also had my kids do a little yard raking so we could feed the composter. So far I feel accomplished. The rest of the day went as usually: a little bit of art, TV, nap, and boredom (for the kids). I also got a whole Chapter of Homework done after drinking my saved Gingerbread latte from Starbucks (purchased on special the night before). Tasted great!
     Oh I forgot! I even found the time to type up two Letter of Counselings for DD1 and DD2 for fighting. I got a kick outta typing these up.  I even formatted the style to Air Force as best as I could remember. It even lightened up my husband's day when I emailed to him.
Here is what they said:
1. On 20 November 2011, you were in two verbal and physical altercations with (DD1or2).  This is in direct violation of Rule #3 of the Family Contract dated 17 May 2011.  You are here by counseled.
2.  In our family we respect one another.  Also, you are the (second) oldest child and I expect you to set the example for your sisters.  If you have an issue with someone, I expect you to handle it without yelling, name calling, or any physical violence.  Any further misconduct will result in future negative consequences.
I worded it appropriate for each of my kids. You should have seen their faces when I had them sign the paperwork. 
     So then the time came to "go home."  I decided to seem even more crazy, I would "walk home" the opposite way.  I have to say, I think the afternoon walk did more good than the morning walk. It was nice to leave the stale house and get a break from the kids....although I had 3 of them with me.

Corrective Action for Kids, the Air Force way

     The last 24 hours has been full of drama and misbehavior. I was up most of the night (1) my daughters had a sleep-out in the living-room last night (2) my two oldest daughters got into a huge blow up. The fights continued on throughout the day. So, I was thinking how easy would life be if parents could correct behavior the Air Force way. Maybe tomorrow I will write my two oldest daughters a letter of counseling outlining their behavior, citing the contract rule they broke. I could also add in there what their future consequences would be. I think I might just create a PIF (personnel information file) on them to retain this documentation, so when we have conversations that result in the girls arguing with me about what their behavior has been in the past I will have proof.  I could give them 3 days to respond and maybe they would think about what they did and write me a well thought out letter. The shear thought of this idea is cracking me up, but I think I just might try it. :D

What Was I Thinking?

     Since I was a little girl all I wanted to be was a mom and house wife.  Unfortunately I had horrible taste in boys and men.  When I was 18 and graduated from High School I ran from my life straight to the Air Force. I surely thought I would find a nice man, settle down and separate to fulfill my dream under the secure net of a career military man. Well, my choices in men resulted in 3 children (which I love and are so happy I have), 4 marriages, 3 divorces and my dreams fading away. 11 years down the road, in 2007, I married my current husband and the Air Force changes were leaving me behind (eh-hem PT eh-hem), so we decided, in 2008, it was time for me to separate and live my dreams. We suffered through one miscarriage in August 2008 and a year later in August 2009 we had a baby girl. I love being a mom to all of my girls! It seemed like a dream come true, with one annoying nightmare. I had to go to school and use my GI Bill to bring some income into our large family; we lost my income and child support for my other 3 girls all around the same time.
     After all of these changes, I have realized that my time in the Air Force had changed me.  I am missing something. I no longer have appreciative customers and supervisors. There is very little structure to life and I always feel like I am failing someone. The job never has an ending or a begining, unlike my job in the Air Force. I was SSgt Lewis (or Herr, or Johnson, or Love, or Herr again...lol) when I showed up to work and mom or Chris when I came home. Another thing I realized is that I feel demoted. I am no longer a respected (sometimes feared or hated) NCO in the Air Force; instead I am SSgt Lewis's spouse/wife, just his spouse nothing more nothing less (that is the tone of voice I hear). I no longer look forward to starting another day, I just can't wait for it to end when I can watch my TV shows and pretend to be somewhere else. Do I enjoy being with my family? Yes! Am I grateful for everything I have? Yes! That does not mean that I cannot feel like less of a person.
     Last night I started out searching for craft ideas which led to organization for crafts which led to organizing your life. I realized then, that I had stopped organizing my house and life also. So, not only am I feeling lost, but I am also feeling out of control. Right then I decided that I need to do something about this. I told myself that I was going to start day one with FlyLady and shine my sink on Monday. Then I vowed to start organizing my house again, even if it means no one can find anything but me...lol. I still needed to find away to feel like I am doing something that matters....
     So as I was milling around getting things ready for my eldest daughter's 13th Birthday Party today, I was trying to think of things or ways that might help me feel normal.
- What if I put out a comment box so everyone in my house can leave me nice little notes about how wonderful I am?
- What if I asked my family to give me an initial feedback to let me know what their expectations are of me?
- What if I asked my family to give me an EPR (evaluation) every year on my birthday that outlines the great things I did for the year prior
- What if I got ready and left the house, drove around the block and came home like I am going to work at my house?
All of these things seem crazy, right?  Who does this? All I know is that I need to gain some control and perspective in my life and have some feeling of accomplishment.