Do you ever think about how many people you depend on, on a daily basis? This past week or so I have been. I happen to be on the downturn right now on my roller coaster of life. I have been so angry lately that I have not wanted to post much or write much because I do not want to bring people down. I needed to get this out and talking to my husband who has a completely different outlook on life was not helping, so I decided to write this blog post anyhow, in the hopes that someone else would understand me.
Lately, I have been beating myself up for the crappy state of our life right now. I have been questioning the decisions that I have made over the last 6 years. Each one I dissected and tried to remember why I felt I should make those decisions and what went wrong. I soon realized that with every decision the only mistake I made was trusting in someone or a system.
I separated out of the military for my children's sake not realizing that 6 months later the person who faithfully paid me child support for over 5 years would abruptly stop. Not only that, but I blindly believed in the economy and thought for sure I would find a job. I was a veteran for goodness sake!
I went to school for 4 years with the idea that a Bachelor Degree meant something. That was what "everyone" was saying. How stupid of me to believe that my 11 plus years of experience and a Bachelor degree would make me more desirable to the employment market so I could support my family.
I bought a house for my family under the assumption that wiping a dream-sheet would mean we were not going anywhere; unbeknownst to me the computer system is broken and randomly reverts back to old dream-sheets. How asinine of me to trust in the previous owner and inspector to not screw me over on a broken down house. Or how about the mortgage broker lying to me that we would have extra money to make some fixes.
I am extremely angry with the Veteran's Administration. I already knew how badly their systems were broken, but now it is affecting me. I missed my window to start Cosmetology School at the school closest to me because their 2 week process is still going on 7 weeks later and no one can tell me why or fix the fact that my record is wrong (which can result in my application being denied if someone does not put two and two together). So here I wait in the hopes that I will be able to still go eventually, but if I find a job before it is approved then it disqualifies me. So, do I still look for the $8 an hour job so we can survive or do I just hope for what I know is a better opportunity? Am I stupid to believe that is a better opportunity for me to find employment?
I could go on and on about the decisions that I have made that have led me to this point. I have no faith in my decision making anymore. I know that my decisions were right at the time because I cannot see the future, but I still doubt them because this is where they led me, misery (at the moment).
I wish more people would think of others when they do things. We are such a ME society. I am so tired of hearing "there is nothing I can do" or "the person that can help you is unavailable" or "that is just how it is" or "I have to take care of myself first" or "I have to do what is right for me even if it affects you" or thinking "what can I do to get more for me." My husband is completely right about me. I am a rebel. I make it hard for myself to survive in this world. My heart will just not allow for me to hurt others or take advantage of others. So, instead I just get angry or disgusted with people and the world.
Seriously, think about how many people you depend on: the bank to take care of your money, the service companies you depend on to not overcharge you, the fix it guy to not screw you over, the teacher to not give you a bad grade because they don't like you, the friend you hope will keep your secret, etc. The list is long.
So this is my angry, pity party post. I am hoping that putting it all out there will help me make peace with my current life status. I hope that future posts will be about successes, not failures. We all fall down sometimes. We just have to remember to pick ourselves back up and try to move forward.
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